it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
