i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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