why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
