he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You are the jesus of drinking
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
