are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
