if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
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This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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