I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
