Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
she told me i tasted like america
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
