You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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