Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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