Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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