there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
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