my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
