She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
