good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
