I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Randomize
