I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
