first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
