the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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