i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
