Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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