the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
There's always time for handjobs
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Randomize