my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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