Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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