He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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