I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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