im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
