maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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