Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
