i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
