I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
