What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
