I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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