She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
