She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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