sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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