i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
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Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
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I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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