the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
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