I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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