made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(