we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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