don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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