Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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