y did u give ur computer a hand job?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
