Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
