I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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