found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
