he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
