FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
