Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
