Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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