Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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