I skipped work to stalk him.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
