im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
