I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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