Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
did i just pee glitter
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
