Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
