I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
