dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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