i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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