There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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