My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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